This Thing Called Life by Ki O’Shea

I ended a conversation with a girlfriend today expressing I don’t want to learn anymore lessons! I was sitting in my office with the door shut trying to focus on …. something.

Nothing major is happening with me, but anything that disrupts what you want to happen eventually becomes tiresome. She knows I set plans and it takes a lot for me to modify and…welp I did and it’s throwing me off a bit…a lot. I cannot fathom why everyone cannot understand the need to write plans and stick to them. I cannot fathom why words to some are….just that. I hate having fruitless conversations with people regarding making plans and then….excuses come up so…

We discussed how God has a plan for us and like a spoiled brat, I rolled my eyes on the other end of the phone and questioned, “haven’t I learned all of my lessons yet..jeezzz.” Eye roll again….I’m envisioning myself like one of those bad tail kids on the floor wanting their way. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm BIG sigh… arms and legs moving in a not so cute motion because I’m too damn big to be on the floor and to even know I’m thinking this is funny. We are laughing! I wish I had it together…. she said I do and that’s why people come to me and I laugh as I say this ….”I feel like I’m inside out…🤷🏽‍♀️🙄🤦🏾‍♀️)… we holler laughing but ….🤷🏽‍♀️ if only people held true to their promises and worked hard…. I won’t ever get it, but…

Oh we laugh… and for me those laughs do not always take away those not so good feelings, but they remind me to stay focused and to always look at the good!

I feel like there is not much more that I can go through and she feels the same, but as we always do, we laugh, we realize the importance of prayer, but our girlfriend chats remind us to stay the course. Our stories are hilarious! We laugh…we laugh louder! We laugh harder… her story was hilarious, my temper tantrum that I threw in my mind was just as hilarious….🤦🏾‍♀️ …but she ended me reminding me never to change and keep a pure and soft heart… whatever…I’m going to throw a temper tantrum again after work today… well after I walk my dog… well.. maybe after I finish grading papers… hmmmmm well maybe tomorrow because I just don’t have the time today….but

While I was on the phone with her I came up with a list. A list of more goals. A list of lessons that I have learned, and I actually asked HIM to send me confirmation that I was on the right path…

Hence be careful what you ask for…

I teach… I love it, but today I needed a moment. I still had about fifteen minutes left for my office hours when a student knocked on my door… I just hung up the phone with my girlfriend (eye roll… and seriously I love teaching) but I wanted to continue throwing a tantrum….. like it’s not fair…

I told the student to open the door and in he walks. He closes the door behind him. He sits and reminds me that he is there for his weekly check in with me. I teach English (don’t judge my blogs….🙄🙄) and I have been working with students on sentence structure. We started discussing his recent paper. As I gave him feedback, I noticed his expression. I stopped. I knew midterms were last week and grades were posted. I asked how he was holding up after grades and that’s when it happened….

one of those “I got this, I don’t need to share with you anything, because I am a Black guy and we don’t shed emotions shrugs. I looked at him and told him he was not going to leave until he told me what was going on with him. He looked down and I was certain I saw a tear, but he kept his head down and …

I won’t be able to be a doctor (He wants to be a cardiologist or dermatologist) if I don’t get my grades up. I have DONE everything he yelled at me. I cut my phone off! I study! I gave up social media! I go to tutoring …-and then the real tears came… what’s wrong with me….???? How many of us think that it’s us? I definitely have…. and then I’m reminded to have a humble spirit and heart because I am a teacher…

I saw my Black son in this young man who is only about a year and a half younger and I had to remind him that he is DOPE! I had to remind him that school can be hard but he can handle it. And then I had to check myself….

And I chuckled as he left because HE did show me… just like there is nothing wrong with the young man, there is nothing wrong with me or you. My girlfriend and I laughed prior to this while we were on the phone about standing our ground and focusing on never settling, but we laughed more than anything because sometimes the situations we are in have nothing to do with us. It’s not always about being patient and allowing things to happen. Sometimes it’s about not allowing things to turn you or change what you set for yourself. This young man realized that he was going to succeed and after he got his emotions out, he declared he would be a doctor.

The same way I reminded this young man of his dopeness along with finding a routine and study habits that will work for him, I reminded myself of the same things. He will become a doctor. I felt it. I saw those tears and they reminded me of my own determination and tenacity to accomplish everything I have. Every dream that I have had, prayer that I have asked for has come true except those that I have no power over; hence other people, because I am NOT God….They reminded me of every goal that I have ever set for myself; even the kickboxing goal I set two years that just came true will always come true. I remember crossing the stage of law school. I remember my son coming out of the coma after doctors said he would not make it, but the faith that I have overrides it all. His emotions were just that extra push he needed to let go and be reminded that he is ok…..(Btw… every part of my body hurts.. kickboxing…but it’s a great hurt…😳😳 and I am not going to quit because quitters never prevail… even as I figure out how to do some of the punches and kicks, I will not give up… they are hard but I’ll remain frustrated, but I will get it…)

And I reminded the student of the feeling he would get once he bust his ass (I did use this word, so if you are an educator, condemn me… throw those damn stones) and keeps working, the joy of walking across the stage and becoming a BLACK male doctor is going to be all worth it… and then I reminded myself of the same thing… the joy of how my body and mind will feel when I finish get into better shape for kickboxing and obtain what my heart desires….I will hold true to what I want… and when it happens it’s going to be well worth the wait!

As you experience that moment of… ewwhhhhh 🙄🙄🙄and self doubt… and uncertainty remember what my student said after I asked what could I do after he wiped his face trying to avoid looking at me and after I made him stand up and give me a hug, “you can’t help me, I just have to set more limits for myself.” I made sure to remind him to go to counseling (he is emailing me to give me the confirmation) and I gave him one of my many pictures with him and added a note for him to read daily…we are both dope and we both have a frame to remind us of our dopeness ❤️

Sometimes we don’t see our purpose, but when it comes …

#ThisThingCalledLife….I was NOT suppose to teach

#DopeTeacher #iWasGoingToBeADentist

#CanIStillThrowATantrum #Hmmmmmmmmm