I wish ….I will always learn from my lessons…
There is nothing in stores or on the World Wide Web to direct us on how to deal with #ThisThingCalledLife. Well, there are those self-help books, personal blogs like this one, etc, but there is no particular guide that provides solid guidance on coping with everything we all go through.
No one person can help us cope with the issues either. This is a problem that many do not understand. We are suppose to go through issues. We are suppose to fail, struggle, cry, be heart-broken. I don’t care what anyone says, but we are suppose to face challenges and it’s good for us; it builds character. It also helps us to be the person we are destined to be. It teaches us how to appreciate the good things. The trials teach us … or rather should teach us how to deal with everyday things. The struggles of life will never go away, but with every struggle there is a good; you just have to sit still and it will be revealed.
My 2018 was a year of sitting still. My 2018 was not just centered on self-reflection, but embracing pain that I’ve never felt before. It was a year of cleansing my soul. It was a year of being vulnerable, but also learning who to be vulnerable to. This year taught me the true meaning of friendship. This year taught me what my father in law (I still consider my first ex husbands dad my father in law..) would say about people gravitating towards me, lying just to get close to me and turning out to be evil. I couldn’t understand that before, but 2018 showed me that. From co-workers who had their own agendas and were deceitful, to people who I trusted to share personal things or my space with and were not who they claimed to be. My son always tells me I’m too trusting (I guess he gets that from his grandfather ) and I finally understood this.
My journey was for me. My journey was not for anyone to know about unless I elected to share. It was not for anyone to judge me and if they did; who freaking cares! It was not for anyone to give me advice because I needed to embrace all of my pain! I needed to embrace it all! I needed to be still and see pay attention to the good that was coming and that is still coming!
We are destined to go through painful events. Late summer, I called my first husband and thanked him. Who does that, right? We had an extremely simple marriage that ended because we were an inexperienced, young couple who didn’t know how to fight for each other or really the importance of family structure. We really had no business getting married because we didn’t know who we were. But society said we should because we had a baby together. We were simply unsure of who were were. I changed my major five or ten times in college. I was suppose to be a dentist and he was suppose to be…. definitely not the cop that he has been for 14 or 15 years. But, we fell in love, had a baby, got married, and realized that we didn’t even know who we were, what we wanted to do, or how to get there. For some, it would have been ideal to do this together, but for us we elected to separate and find ourselves. It wasn’t that simple though. But we broke up, well went through the divorce process and went to counseling. He even wrote me the sweetest card reminding me that it wasn’t my fault or his. We just had to find ourselves. It made me think of that Donnell Jones song I use to sing all of the time in his red car; Where I Wanna Be.
There were many hard days and nights, but we respected each other, went to counseling together, and as I look at it now, we actually talked a lot and still do, which helps very much with co-parenting. I learned lots of lessons here and as I reflect on it, he taught me so much. I must love myself to ever love anyone else. I cannot grow with anyone if I don’t even have my own plan.
I needed this, even though I didn’t know it then. My first ex- husband respects me. He respected me then. This along with the foundation that my dad had already laid down for me, helped me to see how a woman was/is supposed to be treated. The pain from the divorce was hard. It was definitely not ideal. And ten years ago when I divorced, I remember going on a work trip with a great friend of mine to Virginia Tech and being able to clearly process what I was going through. I do not remember the conversation or anything outside of us leading a conference that we were suppose to be a part of and me buying white cowboy boots, oh… and her turning me on to that movie…. vampire…. werewolves….
Still cannot think of name. But I remember this trip helped me find clarity.
The irony is ten years later she is one of my best friends and she sent me this text yesterday, “What is pain? The manifestation of the physical expression of any form of physical, emotional, spiritual, and or psychological trauma. “ Dr. Donela Wright (I love calling her Dr. Wright and still remember the process we both endured to receive our terminal degrees. …) further shared in her text that “pain is uncomfortable. It forces a reconciliation between the thing that is hurting and the thing that did the hurt.” That’s extremely real. It’s deep. It takes self reflection to even understand this. She continued with saying “being able to identify both is part of the battle. Only solitude and deep reflection can facilitate this.” 2018 did that for me. I sat in solitude and anyone who truly understands life, understands this is a necessity!
When I left my second ex- husband, I was placed in solitude. I didn’t share with many where I was, why I was there, or anything because this was the time for me to hurt. 2018 (hmmmmmmm) taught me that in order to grow, I must be able to conquer that task of overcoming something that we are not taught. Remember there is nothing to teach us how to hurt and how to patch ourselves back up. Well, we are taught about prayer, but many do not understand or might not even believe in it. For me, I believe and still do and will always! My faith walk was just amazing!!! I had to be able to do it alone without the words and advice of people who solicit their advice without knowing the whole story. And my alone is obviously without humans. I had to wait on HIM to guide me. I had to listen and walk even when I was afraid, but I learned how to do this. I had to truly embrace my character even though I was being pushed and hurt. As much as I wanted to be mean sometimes I had to walk with grace versus trying to hurt a person that I felt hurt me. I had to do it and learn to be vulnerable. I had to cry in solitude. I had to still love a person who was hurting and was hurting others. I had to let God speak through me because this marriage; the ex was not the same as my first.
The latter was hard for me in 2018 because I’m naturally strong. It was hard, because who wants to deal with the task of being weak and feeling like a failure? But this is something that we fail to add to that #ThisThingCalledLife Guide that is nonexistent. How do we learn to cope with hurt? How to we learn to cope with betrayal? How do we do this? Some do it with alcohol. Some do it with drugs. Some do it knowing that God is there to support them. What is the right way?
I can’t say that I can truly answer this, but no self help book (and I’ve read many) could tell me how to pull myself out of bed when I’m hurting. No self book could have helped me in 2018 when I needed to be in solitude. I needed more than ever to trust MY faith walk. No person could have helped me the way I helped myself by embracing every single moment.
While I visited Jerusalem last week with my soror, we discussed this.
In order to grow we agreed, we must embrace the hurt, but we have to know and trust that everything will be ok. In all aspects of our lives we have to believe this. As I walk into 2019, I have learned that emotions are needed for us to grow and to become the humans…person that we are designed to be. Each emotion is a part of our puzzle piece. Last year my puzzle piece of hurt was placed down and it compliments those other puzzle pieces that were already glued down. I embraced the hurt of another divorce. I embraced the hurt of being alone in a foreign place. I embraced the hurt of liars and distrustful people. And as my mentor shared with me prior to my trip, now it’s time to let go of all of that Kiera.” Not only did I need to understand that my second divorce happened, it was completely opposite of the first on all aspects, but it’s a part of my life and I cannot change it.
My mentor left me with this as I was headed to the airport. “I was thinking about our conversation earlier you have a LOT of things REVEALED to you that proves you are not the problem in a relationship. SO TURN THE KEY AND LET YOURSELF OUT OF RELATIONSHIP JAIL .” He further told me to open my heart and there will be an amazing man that will come into my life just as so many other amazing things keep coming. His hashtag #OnlyYou is a reminder that I need everything that I am faced with. There is always a good. For me, to walk away and listen to God in 2018 has allowed me to grow in so many ways. I have lessons on top of lessons on top of other lessons (hmmm sounds like a rap verse…drop the beat… ok 🌽 corny…🤦🏾♀️🤷🏽♀️) this year to guide me. So my goals for this upcoming year is to keep listening, understand that I can’t control everything, but what I can control, do it! And it also taught me not to change! I’m going to be me and proud of of my dope puzzle pieces!
Be happy! Embrace your emotions and most importantly in 2019 understand that #ThisThingCalledLife happens and you just need to embrace the pain!
As Dr. DW says “2019 doesn’t have to be the same as 2018.”
Interested in hearing more from Dr. Wright??