I wonder….too much

“I think ya here to wonder, myself.  To wonder.  To ask. And that in wondering about the big things and asking about the big things, you learn about the little ones, almost by accident.  But never know nothing more about the big things tan you start out with.  The more I wonder, the more I love.”

• Color Purple, Alice Walker

This week has been a very reflective week for me.  I blame it on lots of life-changes.  Opening myself up to something that I vowed I would not anytime soon, and the excitement and anxiety of going to Jerusalem.

One of my favorite movies is The Color Purple. The above quote comes from Alice Walker’s piece.   I am certain that most of you who have seen this movie can quote scenes from the movie…”alls my life I had to fight! ” That is by far one of the favorite for many, but the movie is so deep. Even Kendrick Lamar quotes this.   The movie takes us to a different place.  We see taboo things that people; particularly blacks go through.  We see molestation, we see rape, we see abuse, we see self-esteem issues, we see adultery, we see colorism; overall, we see issues that not just blacks, but every day people are afraid to confront.  But when you watch the movie (I prefer that you read the boo)k, you see that this piece is the subconscious thoughts of a woman who is afraid to open her mouth.  She is afraid to speak up and instead she does it in her mind.  How many of us are like that?  Well…I was, but not anymore.  I think a lot, but when I have something to say, it’s because I have given a lot of thought to it.  And unlike the old me, I say it.  What is interesting though is when I say it, many have a hard time accepting it.  A recent text apologized to me for something that happened years ago and …..When you speak up, people run.  When you are honest, people run…..welp!

But, that above quote reminds me of myself.  I think about everything and I recall this one picture that my second ex-husband (I will eventually get use to really believing that I have been married and divorced twice by 36…) used to describe me.  It was a thing with a lot of cords, spirals, or something coming from his brain.  That is me!!!  I want to understand things.  But the reality is, I will not.  I cannot ever understand why people hurt others, or why alcoholics would prefer alcohol over their families.  I will never understand why a person consumes drugs when they are aware of the outcome.  I can never understand a person who loves someone walking away.  I cannot even fathom why people molest or rape.  I definitely cannot understand why marriages or even relationships fail because people are afraid to work hard. I don’t understand why people cannot communicate or share their past; it is just that; the past.  I wonder why to so many other things to; white privilege, laws, etc.  My mind truly wonders….ha!

Last night I called “My flower” to tell her son, my nephew happy birthday.  Our conversation did not end there, but as the big sister, she reminded me to write down what I wanted moving forward in life. She is too kind and always shares how proud she is of me, and even how I have inspired her to have a voice, but last night (and many many times, she gave me advice that I needed without me even telling her)  This was part of my recent blog; write down what your heart desires.  But she emphasized this and told me that whatever I want, I will get it via patience.  I believe her, but my mind still wonders….but as the quote reminds us and even through all of my life’s experiences; I will learn.   I still have questions for God.  I still have questions for everyday people that I have or still do interact with.  I realize that even still, I will not understand, but it is ok. It is ok not to have answers and it is also ok, not to be ok with the answers you might receive.  As I prepare for my trip to Jersulam, I have a list of what I want.  It is really not a list, but a few words.  And it starts with love and it ends with love.  I want people to feel loved, I want to continue to love……that’s it……but my flower reminded me that it needs to be about what Ki wants….so …..I’ll pray on it and let my past experiences help me come up with a list of what I desire and will ultimately get.

What do you want reader?

#ThisThingCalledLife….LOVE hard

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4 thoughts on “I wonder….too much

  1. Kiera, I just love reading this. It was so true and genuine that I almost felt I hearing your thoughts. You are such a special soul and girl…write! Write through the pain, write through the change and keep on writing (and praising) through the blessings that will and coming. I too have recently arrived to a point where I stopped asking why as much. I have noticed that not only have I felt better mentally but giving less of your energy to the unecessary makes you feel better physically as well! It’s that “creating a safe space” and “protecting it” we discussed. You just keep on pushing, one day at a time and one feeling at a time. Regardless of if you had 2 marriages or none, we all struggle. But the beautiful thing is, when you know your worth, pushing through and getting to the other side makes it feel so much better! You got this Ki! Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Charlene boob. You know we both discussed the peace that we have. I’m at such a great peace that nothing can disrupt it! I use to be bothered and even hurt trying to understand life… people… things but it has gotten much better. Something sparked the need for me to write more.
      If it had been one year ago, this would have broke me, but the peace I have had been great and I’ve learned that what is meant for me will be. I was told to remember stop asking why and instead realize that when God steps in, it’s always a period that follows and not a question mark.
      I’m sure I am jacking up the saying but…
      And you are a special soul!

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  2. Yes, peace and inspiration flows through the life of your words. I see the Truth of Love in the spirit of your presence. You have penetrated my heart. And now a seed of your love is taking root.
    For whatever, only my God knows the reason. I will remain steadfast and prepared and ready in all seasons.

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