To be transparent or …be quiet 🤷🏽‍♀️

If I didn’t have a true circle of friends to give me the truth, and did not sugar coat things, (even though they might hurt my feelings), I would probably be lost.

One friend recently told me that I have no routine. I had to think about that because that’s not right. I get up at the same time, I drive the same way to work every morning, I even eat at the same restaurants very often. I had to think about what he was saying. I was almost in defense mode, but then I realized; I don’t. I don’t plan most of my vacations for a year. When I want to go somewhere or do something,I do it. My philosophy is; life is short. At 37, I am truly blessed and humbled at what I have been through.

Job 8:7 states:

Your beginnings will seem humble. So prosperous will be your future be.

I studied the book of Job so much over the last year. I had moments when I wondered why? Why? Just why’d everything! Kind of like that Mary J song, “…build it just to break it down..” This song makes me truly understand the sentiments that people complicate the hell out of life. Also, after reading The Alchemist for the 12th time, I saw Santiago ( the main character) as Job. I saw him lose everything. I saw that woman who I just talked to that caught her husband in the bed with another man as Job; I saw that past mentee who was diagnosed with HIV because of his partners infidelity as Job; I saw the young girl who just had an abortion because her husband left her to be with another woman as Job.

I saw the family who lost everything because of the husbands alcoholism as Job.

I saw me as Job; the woman who tries

very hard to be optimistic about things, but sometimes have moments, because people and life have taken so much from me. But those rewards at the end feel mighty great. I smile as I think of the rewards; being able to say I really did make it through law school, I have a son that amaZes me daily, I have a great circle of love; I take trips as that friend shared with me yesterday more than the average person.

All of my recent reflections and even short lived dating (marriages) allowed me to see just how true those sentiments are: life is as complicated as we make it. Many people from my journey allow the world and people in it to intimidate them and make them feel small. Most do not realize we truly are the same. We all have some sort of insecurity; we are afraid of something; or we are even fearful of the unknown.

The last two seem the same, but they are totally separate points. When we are afraid of something we typically have been exposed to something very similar in our past. For example; my transparent moment : I was terrified of trying to date again because I have had men lie, men who claim to be going through a divorce but have had no intentions, and even a man to outwardly disrespect me, so being afraid to date was truly serious for me. I actually took a personal vow not to date again because I was exhausted of the same cycle. Every man I would talk to, even if it was five minutes seemed the same. I even took different approaches (thanks to my guy friends ) so they wouldn’t feel intimidated by me (#humble).

On the other hand,being fearful is the unknown of something. And if you are like me, you want to rationalize and understand everything. When a person is afraid to step out of their comfort because those “whys” cannot be answered, this to me is the fear of the unknown. You cannot see it and that too is terrifying! I’m not that person. This is probably why my long term friend says that I probably will not have a man unless he is more like me because he said “you moonwalk on men” and “crush their egos” because they are so busy trying to live through you instead of being them. I’m not afraid to live vicariously through myself. If I hear God’s voice, I’m moving. Even if it doesn’t make sense to a person, I am moving!! With those past moments of being afraid, I never let them make me fearful of stepping out or become fearful of the numerous possibilities!

Today as I write this, I had to pick my face and feelings off of the ground. I laugh to myself and out loud (like I had a real laugh session like I was at a comedy show..) as I say this because one year ago I would have been crying and really tearing myself apart, but with the peace that I’ve developed and knowing that I’m about to go to Jerusalem in a few days, along with knowing that I have amazing, dope, loyal friends, I can only laugh and pray and laugh more. I’m reminded that “being in your circle, Ki is like winning the lottery” so regardless of who attempts to break me intentionally or just because they are untrue to themselves, I will be fine.

This week my challenges have been with dating. I have dated some interesting guys. I have dated men that have shared how beautiful I am. I have dated men that have shared how lucky they are to have me. I have also dated a man that interestingly shared many bitter words.

Any time I date now, I lay everything out on the table. I share it all. In my mind, it allows the person to decide what they want to do and there are no secrets. Male friends remind me to stop sharing everything… I disagree because I want them to know what they are getting into… male friends, Ki, you intimidate the heck out of guys… in the last 14 months how many vacation have you taken 🤷🏽‍♀️ … why does that really matter?

The problem is I keep attracting people who are not ready, but obviously don’t know they are not ready until…. we have actually begun a relationship… “Ki, I really really really really like you.” ” Ki, you are my peace.” Hmmmmmmmmmm, but then that fear and being afraid comes and “everything I said I mean, but…” it’s all good babe! I’m a lot and even though “everything has been perfect, Ki” when life gets hard and people get stressed, things change. I get it! 🙄😉 Ki, only a special person can handle you… what does that mean?

People desire you to help and most feel like you can be their savior to being happy or at peace. But during so many transitions over the last few years, I’m seeing many patterns in the human behavior. Hmmmmm, maybe I should become a therapist or follow what I keep saying and become a sociologist 😆.

I also realized something about me; I am too transparent. This is actually what this blog is suppose to be about, but obviously I had to add more to it so that you, the reader can understand. And so I can show just how transparent I am…I am too open and maybe I give out too much information at the beginning, but isn’t this what you should do?

We humans complicate the heck out of things ( I keep saying this!!) but over the last few weeks I really know that there is a thing as “happily ever after” and that being transparent actually leads to this; even if it is imperfect as heck. Most women like me want to enjoy the cuddling with one person, share their day with one person, shake their head at the silliness of that one person, and look forward to that one person making them smile, flirt with them, and even fight for them.

After my second divorce I was challenged with whether I would ever have that, but God continues sending me reminders; through a conversation with a woman I met at an airport who was married twice, and even a man who talked about his wife non stop and had been married for almost twenty years. I listened to that man talk to his wife on the phone. I was so mesmerized by them. Even though I could not see her, he had shown me a picture so I really could picture her smile as he spoke softly to her and as he listened intently to how her day was. I could see that he was still in love with her!

An elderly couple I met that have been married for over fifty five years giggled and flirted at each other. They shared the good, the bad and how the husband almost lost his wife because of his selfishness and his having a false ideal that relationships were hard. In addition, he did not think she needed him which took away his pride. That great friend I’ve been referencing all day is pretty pessimistic about relationships, but because he knows me, he said he gave me advice that I would probably give😂; positive, hopeful, and believing that maybe I will truly have a king charming. He and I talked about the male pride and this very instance and not surprising this is a big issue for men!

The last couple shared their vacations and their grandkids and just kept marveling over how he loves this woman. He said she was his world and the peace that he has had for so long come from him….. peace… reminds me of something…. They also shared more stories about how hard marriages are; including their first and even most recent argument. But regardless, I would not give her up for the world he says. Young people don’t last because they are dum as hell he said! They are too afraid to love because they think it’s something out there. We know who our true loves are he says; men do anyway. That was all I needed to hear! True love exists and while I don’t have the puzzle piece for it now, ( I think I might order mine on eBay or heck amazon because I have prime 😂🤪), I realize like Santiago’s journey (from The Alchemist) it’s aligned with the stars for me to have it. I have had people to love me, people to lust

me, and people to even desire what I have, but one day, someday I will have that puzzle piece that is stuck with a God fearing man, a listener, a friend, etc.

As I initially listened to these stories, I wondered if I would ever even get married again.

But this recent journey I’ve taken made me realize just how much I want to be a wife, a mother again, and have that partnership, those flirty eyes, and the support from a companion (husband …..hush Jason..🙃). I wondered and even had self doubting moments about really been married and divorced at 36 twice! But then I had to take a look at the positive; I’ve had men to love me or maybe it’s respect me enough to marry me. So I wondered if there was a match for me. Maybe there is someone that can listen to my transparency and instead of stealing my light, they can be just as transparent as me and accept me or reject me versus me having to deal with another light thief 😏

I need someone to marvel over my beauty, not be intimated by the fact that I will begin a PhD program in the fall and take the bar over the summer. I wonder if there is a man that is so secure in themselve for me that even though I make decent money and I love to travel would be able to accept this.

I wondered if my independence would turn off yet another guy.

I remember talking to both my exes about this and they both shared “Ki you don’t need me.” So obviously this is a trend for me… dealing with people who are … I don’t know … in need of a woman to…..Need them.

Why (my why…) can’t someone who keeps “falling for me” see the big picture like my first ex -father in law who sends me frequent texts shared; “ if I had a woman like you when I was as young, we would have been able to take over so much and do much more than I have been able to because we could have taught each other. “

“ young men do not see this and it does affect women like you, but …

But what I have learned is stop asking why! Stop over thinking and definitely don’t ever beg to know an answer. Your path, my path, everyone’s path is written out for us and maybe one day people will stop complicating life and learn to truly be transparent and let our voices match our movements.

In the meanwhile I like my transparency and I don’t plan to change!

As I wait for that puzzle piece I am thankful that I will be traveling and seeing more of the world with a great friend!

And I’m leaving you with taking the time to embrace the good that people send you. For me, I am alway reminded by texts, letters, cards, phone calls, face to face encounters and I embrace them all!

“Ki, a lot of people will tell you that they wish or could have done what you have accomplished, but they are only wishful thinking! It takes a special gift from God! God blessed everyone, but He blessed some more than others.

“To whom much is given, from him (her), much is expected”. Luke 12:48, King James.

“Ki, if only you could see what we see in you, you would always strive for the best and never settle “ is also a daily reminder from one of my best friends.

#ImembracingITAll

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