I think I’ve found myself…

Recently I have chatted with a few people about my fear of blogging.  Awhile back I was told how “surface-level” I was.  (side-eye…question mark..shrug shoulders…) because I had no idea what that meant.  Me, surface level?  Does that mean that I keep things to myself, I hide who I am, I am not being myself….(lions, tigers, bears, OH MY….ok, being silly, but serious now…)?  I do not know if I am secretive, but I  also do not know how much I should reveal about me, and this is only because I realize that in life you have two groups of people.  You have those amazing cheerleaders who will cheer you on even when you are falling or walking to a dead end,  and then you have those.. hmmmmmmm naysayers who will actually be the ones to push you down and guide you towards the dead end.

The latter are the ones that I believe I have been afraid of, and the reason why it has taken me so long to “open-up” and realize that my blogging and my vulnerability is not for them, but instead for those that are struggling with #thisthingcalledlife and need inspiration.  I was dealt a bad hand at many points of my life and we all have had those same cards (well type of cards because my cards are pretty darn unique).  I  don’t know about you, but I needed those obstacles, hardships,  and uncomfortable times to make me sit down and reflect. Now, I did share with some.  And each time I shared, they actually encouraged me to open up with people.  I went to therapy last year and my therapists was like, you really need to share your story.  hmmmmm…another side eye because why would I do that?  Now, I did share with people I knew.   I would share via texts and personal phone conversations, but then I realized last week when a great, wise, amazing man gave me a push that I needed.  (shout out to you Kevin and Erica!!!)

That push was accompanied by another person who told me what an inspiration my story was to them.  That was accompanied by reminders all week of how God gives us a purpose and once we realize that purpose, it is then that we are to pass that gift on to others.  Once that resonated, I realized that while I have the right to be private about certain things in my life, God puts me through things to obviously teach me lessons, while also allowing others to possible gain encouragement and strength.  And seriously, while I thought this was unfair, and focusing on questions centered on (rolling eyes while preparing to type the question…) Why the heck am I going through this, I recall a ceremony I attended where one of the speakers reminded the crowd that life is unfair and to remember the “fair” only comes once a year. Of course me being the analytical person and somewhat smarty pants lawyer, I could argue that technically it comes once a year to certain places, which means that it comes many many many times a year….(I would try to add up those times, but I am truly mathematically challenged and that means that I would have to do homework and…not going to happen).  But you get my drift, right?

Over the last few months of trying to process what has happened in my life; particularly over the last few years, I realize that I am a bit… a lot…truly surface level. YES!!  I know I overuse ellipses but they are so darn cool!  But, yesterday I listened to an  Oprah’s podcast with Julia Roberts, and something that stood out was a question that Oprah asked her about being vulnerable.  I cannot remember the exact question (and I could just go back to the podcast, listen to it, and quote it, but…I’m not, but you can…Julia Roberts: Daring and Vulnerable:Part 1 and Part 2..OPRAH I am shouting you out because I know one day, someday I am going to have a chance to sit with you and talk about #thisthingcalledlifebyki.com) but the question centered around being vulnerable and what does it mean to be too vulnerable.

This took me to the Bible.  I am not a person that can tell you every Biblical character, nor can I recite everything in the Bible, but I know some things.  We learn from these Biblical icons that life happens.  Stuff happens….and again we understand that it is NOT fair.  Whether it is Job or David or even Martha, we are given their testimonies.  And each of their testimonies are raw!  We learn about everything that has happened to them.  We learn that Job lost it all.  However, he was left with his faith.  As we read the book of Job, we are provided with so much description. We are taught what hurt and pain and faith is.  We cry for Job.  We hurt for Job, but we also delight at the end when we see what happens when Job adheres to our Father.  Job is rewarded!  We see vulnerability everywhere in the Bible.  Nothing is hidden.  My question is, why are we surface level as human beings?  Of course we know the answer, but this is what prevents us from being our best self, being able to help others with challenges that they might have, and most importantly sharing that gift we have with others.

The last blog that I posted a few months ago was put to a halt because I was at a dead end.  I was unsure of what to say, how to say it, and honestly why would I even make myself vulnerable to people.  After sitting still, God sent many, many, many, many of HIS angels to remind me that it’s ok to be vulnerable.  We learn from vulnerability.

My promise to me is that I will continue to pray for guidance and give my gift away because that is the only way to pay if forward and conquer #thisthingcalledlife…

 

Today, tomorrow, next week, be vulnerable so that you can assist others.  With mental health issues on an increase, its up to us to take the time to help another!

 

Ki O’Shea

 

8 thoughts on “I think I’ve found myself…

  1. I absolutely love it!! Vulnerability is something that we use as a weapon instead of a tool. This definitely an inspiration and I always made myself carefully vulnerable when I worked at the Group Home in California. The children often opened up and they respected me as a worker. When it comes to adults I fear they will throw it in my face and I’ll feel the hurt pain and shame all over again. So I’m asking God to help me in that area.

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    1. Lyntinka, I agree. I use to wonder why I went through certain things and as the years have gone by, I see why. It is because I have testimonies that assist others. Our stories, hardships are not for us. They are to help others and this is the importance of learning to be vulnerable. I pray that He helps us! Thanks so much for your feedback!

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  2. Phenomenal writing, thoughts, fears for and about vulnerability..
    This is beautiful and I sure enough needed this! Thank you for your gift Ki!!

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  3. I love it. I appreciate you being vulnerable. I think the bravest thing that anyone can do is go through trials and openly admit what they’ve learned. A lot of people stay in denial. It’s so amazing that you are willing to accept your life’s accomplishments as well as your obstacles. Also, it’s cool that you’re willing to take lessons from other people such as Oprah and Julia Roberts. A smart person is willing to give and receive wisdom. That is you my loving sister!

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  4. We, especially male were taught that being vulnerable was a weakness. If we knew that opening up and expressing ourselves is a weight lifted off our shoulders.

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