I realized awhile back that life is as complicated as you make it. Life hurts us. Life tests us. Life makes you cry. Life makes you laugh. Life frustrates you. It also scares you, while overwhelming you at the same time. It even makes you laugh so damn hard that you pee on yourself.
I know this because like many of you reading this, I have felt every emotion that I think a human can feel. Heck, sometimes I feel like my body created new emotions. But this thing called life as I always say to my circle of friends and family just cannot be explained, but I do know that it can only hold you back from the enjoyment of it with your permission. This simply means that again, you, me, we, us make our life complicated because of secrets we don’t want to share, reliving those horrible experiences, and even trying to be perfect. The truth is we are all imperfectly perfect and until you, me, we, us understand this, we complicate our life.
We pray to get through trials while asking why. Kind of oxymoronic, huh? When we pray, ideally we are suppose to “Let go and let God,” right? Well, because we are human and extremely inquisitive ones who desire a perfect life, we ask why and most of us are always trying to find the logic in things when the reality is: sometimes there just is not one! We pray and also still want to be the “fixer-upper!” Ha! This defined me over the years. I have always wanted to fix people. I saw the good and I wanted to fix them, but the problem came when they didn’t want to be fixed. So, this led me to a second-time around divorce because when I married, I did not realize that 1. hurt, hurt; and 2. you cannot fix a person, but you can advise if they want that information. Neither are on your terms.
At any rate, we challenge our decisions, along with those signs that we always knew were there, and even the faith that we really thought we have/had. I cannot give you the answer to why we do that, but I can let you know that it is not good. This thing called life is confusing, huh!? It creates chaos that seems impossible to calm. It pushes us to the edge. It makes us seem crazy and silly and dumb and insecure, but then we have those strange moments (that should be the everyday moments) that we feel great! We feel like we are on top of the world! WE are secure in our being, in our faith, and in our decision-making process. And if only these moments lasted all of the time!
At 18 years old, I thought I was grown. 19 years later, I wish that I was 18 years old again only to tell my 18 year old self, “Girl, girl! You have NO dang on clue what grown really is! ” Life literally is a roller coaster or my analogy is a puzzle!
Recently I had a moment. Right before turning 37, I packed two suitcases after deciding to leave my husband and moved from one country to another country. During this move, I really begin to juxtapose my life to a puzzle. My 36 -year -old piece of puzzle was imperfectly perfect (you will notice I love this phrase). It was filled with memories of my life; my first tape cassettes (Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston…ha! The irony); my first homecoming dance, my first boyfriend, going to college, and believe me the puzzle is not just of pictures that are all great. There are many horrible memories on that puzzle too! We will talk about those later, but this 36 year old puzzle that was filled with thousands and thousands of memories equated to so many pieces. And as I moved and had to relocate because I just couldn’t stand to be in that situation anymore, I honestly felt my puzzle had come apart! I literally broke down. I called a friend and broke down. I called another friend and broke down. I called my mentor and then another and broke down. I even found myself breaking down with my son in the car one day. At this point, I realized this: my puzzle was glued! None of those pieces were gone! Not a single one! They were all in tact because the glue that held those pieces together were like that gorilla glue, but much stronger. I guess its kinda, sorta like concrete glue. Is that such a thing? Well if not, I am a blogger, not an expert on glue! But it is that kind of glue that will never break, tear, etc. Now, the table that my puzzle was on, it broke. And those pieces that I had to separate into piles and wait to put them together, they fell. They were scattered. They were very scattered!
This was symbolic to what everyone saw in me! They saw me as together. The only person that didn’t see me together was myself. Those extra pieces are meaningless until you put them together and sadly I was so worried about them. And this what I have learned about #ThisThingCalledLife… You must embrace it and laugh and realize that those pieces that will fall at some point will not be the detriment of you. For me, it wasn’t. I still hold my degrees, my son, my circle of love, and most importantly my sanity and my faith! I also hold memories!
So as we begin this journey, remember #ThisThingCalledLife…is not to be understood, but to find ways to enjoy it while making lasting memories that can be added to your puzzle piece.